It’s almost halfway into the first month of the new year. It’s been 2015 for two weeks! Who would have thought. And although it’s been an incredible two weeks, I think that it’s also the perfect time to step back, asses, and once again, dig deep. Things are constantly shifting and changing, and it’s in the moments when I resist that change that I have to step back and ask why. Personally, there comes a point when I’m drifting to sleep that my body is totally and utterly relaxed and I start to feel like I’m floating. It’s almost like pre-lucid dreaming; a moment when I can retain awareness without fully being conscious of it. I always have really interesting realizations during this point in my messed up sleep cycle (I love staying awake super late) and this happened the other night. It was about power. Who would have guessed. Power. It’s a word I throw around often. I love “dressing to feel powerful”, and being able to “channel my power” for whatever ending I’m hoping happens as a result. I love harnessing my own power. My personal power is a completely separate entity to power or control over others; I don’t want to have power over other people or situations. I am never for the game of manipulation. But power can be dangerous; it can consume us. Power can be an egos driving force. For someone who likes to plan, and who uses logic and who loves knowing what’s going on, power can be dangerous. Having so much control over myself, and my spirit and my own power means it’s harder for me to deal with people and situations that I can’t control. My thirst for empowerment has left me with a real need to surrender. I can wear all the black I want, and wear red lipstick and I can feel so powerful, but at the end of the day, sometimes letting go is the most powerful action I can perform.
Kim Krans, the artist behind The Wild Unknown tarot deck, posted this spread on Instagram. One card for each month of the year, with one card being the overarching “theme”. Two weeks into the month and I finally had enough time and energy to follow through. It seems as if this year is all over the board, from heartbreak and self empowerment to finding comfort in my home. The theme for the year, however, is one of my favorite cards, The Moon. Ah, the moon. She’s inspired photoshoots, poems and hopefully in 15+ years, my daughters name. The Moon, however, can be a somewhat questionable card. In this deck, it’s credited with “lack of direction, vivid dreams and fears”. The moon, however, to me, is linked with goddess, intuition and a consciousness that’s not always readily available during the day. The moon is darkness, and it’s true, in the dark directions get muddy and tangled, and often you will find yourself lost. After realizing my thirst for personal power, however, the words “lack of direction” sort of feels refreshing. Lack of direction could mean existing in the moment, with nowhere to be but now. Lack of direction could mean lack of power, a vulnerability that once again, is necessary for growth. Vivid dreams. Fear. Ahhh, fear, an old friend. Look how you’ve woven yourself into my year. What scares me more than not having power? Nothing. And I’ve learned to bask in my fear, in trusting that there’s growth to be found in it. To me, The Moon means existing in the moment, surrendering to the present, vivid intuition and finding growth through what scares you the most.
2015. It’s a year that will be linked to the moon, and fear, and surrendering. This year I will love more, resist less and let myself exist. Power is important, but there’s an effortlessness necessary in maintaing that sort of power, isn’t there?
Here’s to all the surrendering that comes with letting this year unfold.