The other day I posted this on Instagram:
Tonight’s self portrait is inspired by forgiveness. I’m very much aware of my anger. Of my defensiveness. Of the way that I put up a wall when I feel threatened or hurt or attacked. I am very much aware of my imperfections like the fact that even after I let people go I still think about them and hold onto their words. Today I forgive- myself and those who hurt me. Today I am inspired by @louniverse message to forgive others not necessarily because they deserve it, but because you do. Today I forgive my inner scorpion. I forgive the little girl inside me who just wants to impress people and make everyone happy and have everyone love each other. Today I forgive the part of me that is angry and lashes out. Today I forgive myself for hurting others simply because I was hurting. Today I forgave someone who hurt me and today I forgave myself for ever hurting them back. Anyway- I am about to go shower with some lavender salt scrub and then eat cookie butter ice cream and watch a movie.
And today I wanted to expand a bit on this beautiful, sacred, idea of forgiveness. And honestly, I’m not even sure what will come of this post, but i feel like I need to write- and I’ve learned to not ignore that itch when it comes up. So, here we go. Oh forgiveness. It seems easy but it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. In my case I forgave someone who I made myself vulnerable with- someone who saw a lot more of me than anyone else and in the end wasn’t truly worthy of that. I was hurt. I was hurt and left with no closure except that which I created for myself. And I think that’s the first step to forgiveness- allowing yourself to create the closure that YOU need. So YOU can move on. Because it’s easier to go back and appreciate a gash when it’ already turned into a scar- you do not have to live with raw pain.You are allowed to feel and heal.
A lot of my relationships (I use this word very loosely) have ended with me having to create my closure. And forgiveness is damn hard when you don’t feel like you have any answers. But sometimes you just have to forgive, not for the other person, but for yourself, so you can let go of the rope you’re holding onto and just move forward. In my case, I was contacted by someone I had done my best to forget in the past six months and I was left with a flurry of feelings- including the fact that I felt nothing, but I still felt raw? Open? Vulnerable. Because I had never forgiven- him or myself- and that wound had never truly healed. After my inner Scorpio moon came out and I was on the offense- I felt tired, overwhelmed and over it. I had been hanging onto this hurt, this borderline hate, which honestly was necessary at the time so I could move on, but I realized- I needed to forgive him and myself. I am not completely innocent either, my hurt doesn’t excuse my action of hurting someone else. So that night, I showered, worked with my tarot and wrote. And now, I am taking baby steps to heal, fully and intentionally. But another thing came up the next night-
I did a tarot reading last night for myself and a mantra popped into my head. “I don’t need to know the answers right now”. I like knowing. I like knowing about people and the universe and myself. I’ve been going through a past life crisis (HA! A story for another time) that just brought back a lot of feelings and questions about myself and past relationships. And there were many things I wanted to know since closure didn’t give me many answers. And there’s a point in the mad quest for the truth, or for what feels like it, when you just have to stop and surrender. And that’s what I am choosing to do. I am choosing to face the wild unknown. I am choosing to not worry about the answers. My wonderful friend @kelseawoods sent me this quote by Rilke today:: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” You don’t need to know all the answers right now. Right now you just have to be. A photo posted by Gabriela Lorraine (@gabyherstik) on
This mantra popped into my head.
I do not need to know the answers right now.
And what a relief that is. I’ve been going through what feels like a past life crisis, I’m sure this human and I knew each other back in the Medieval period I swear to god. And I’d been having these feelings, these memories and this inclination that I was right. I wrote a piece on Medieval churches and witch marks, and then all this stuff started to overlap- how I’ve been working with witchcraft and faeries for 10 years, and then suddenly this person was back. After I had consciously made a decision not to contact him and asked the universe that if he was meant to contact me he would- and he did. And after forgiving him, after forgiving myself, I realized I do not need to know the answers. I don’t need to know if we were actually together in a past incarnation, I don’t need to know how he feels or how he felt. All I need to know is where I am in this moment.
And realizing that, realizing that I DON’T have to have everything figured out, feels like the biggest act of surrender I can have. We are not responsible for having everything lined up or figured out or understood. We are responsible for living in our highest purpose, for living in a place of peace and love and for working towards this as much as we can.
So today, I urge you all to live in a place of surrender, a place of forgiveness and a place of unknowing. Today I urge you to bask in the wild unknown.