I have always felt the touch of envy. The kind of cold that burns. I have been consumed by it, believe me, it’s in my temperament. My Scorpio Moon burys its embers past my gaze and all of the sudden I’m enveloped… or maybe that’s just how it was.
For a really, really long time I considered myself to be a jealous person. It’s only until recently that I realized I wasn’t jealous- I was just insecure. And it wasn’t even a really obvious kind of insecurity. For a really long time I wasn’t expressing myself the way I wanted to be. I always felt too young, a little bit off and I wasn’t quiet happy with how I looked (I was also a very late bloomer so you know there’s that.) The thing is, that’s normal. It’s okay to not be 100% content with yourself- but it is also important to love yourself in the process of becoming whoever it is you want to be. But- it’s important to realize the only person you can ever be is yourself.
I was comparing myself to other people- the way I acted, the way I dressed and the way I looked. I was expecting other people’s expectations- and not my own. I will never look like anyone else. I will never have anyone else’s interests. I will never have anyone else’s story- and for a long time, part of me wanted that because you know, the grass is always greener.
It’s not that the envy or the jealousy has gone away. I just view it differently. I will never be another girl- and wishing to be someone else, or to be in someone else’s situation isn’t going to solve anything. The world doesn’t need a million of the same person. Seriously. Having the privilege to be who you are is just that- a privilege. And if you’re able to walk this Earth in your most authentic skin and soul… that is damn special.
I will never have blue eyes, I will never (naturally) have bigger boobs, or smaller thighs or a “chiller” attitude. If I feel threatened by something or someone, I ask why. I learn. I dig- and I’m still trying to do this. To not let my envy consume me. I am not perfect, by any means. And there is always better to do- but that’s not the point.
I will always be the brown eyed, no chill, goat loving, witchcraft weaving, granddaughter of holocaust survivors that I am. I will only ever be Gabriela Lorraine Herstik. And now, instead of seeing someone else and feeling jealous, or like I am less than, I encourage. I sympathize. I see what I like about that person, and that situation, and remind myself that the things that make me me are just as good. We are all important. We are all special. But until we give permission to ourselves to be who we are meant to be- on our own terms- then we will not know peace because peace has to start with ourselves.